I haven’t written in a while because things have been quite complicated.
My Mum finally decided to leave my Dad, after years of struggling to make their marriage work. She moved into a property nearby, which they were previously renting out. My Dad was understandably upset, so I stayed at the house to try and support him, rather than moving out with my Mum straight away.
About a month later my Dad told me that he was planning a surprise holiday to try and win my mum back and was going to pretend to take her to the lawyer but then actually go to the airport. He’d spent most of their joint account, lied to lots of people (including me), delayed her university course by a year, changed lots of things at work (to the point where the staff were panicking about what was happening), contacted my friend behind my back and asked her to lie to me too, etc. He had good intentions but he’d completely manipulated me and her and interfered in our lives without permission.
I knew my mum would be very upset and that she would be in a potentially dangerous position when she told him no (during the drive to the airport). I told him I wouldn’t lie to her about it. He told me that if I didn’t lie to Mom then I would be betraying him and would be to blame for their marriage failing. He got really angry and annoyed with me. I told him that he had to tell her that night or I would.
I text my mum and told her to come straight away to talk to Dad. By the time she arrived, I decided that I couldn’t stay with my Dad anymore. I couldn’t trust him and I didn’t know what he would do next. Especially when he was so angry, emotional and irrational. I packed up as much as I could carry and left with her after she’d spoken to him. As I was leaving, my Dad told me that what I had done was wrong but he would forgive me with time. He didn’t see any need to apologise.
Moving is always stressful but moving with a 6 month old baby, an hour notice and an angry person in the house is very difficult. The situation upset me so much that my body stopped producing enough milk for my son. He was hungry and crying so I had to top him up with formula, which he didn’t react well to; he woke up in the middle of the night screaming and pulling his legs into his tummy. It was awful.
My Dad started dropping off 3-page-long letters to me and my mum every day and emailing and texting all the time. It was like dealing with a split personality; he switches between accepting responsibility/apologising, being angry/vindictive and acting like a victim. Every letter hurt me more.
The one letter revealed that he’d gone through the recycle bin on my mum’s laptop and read my autobiography (the most personal thing I’ve ever written) without my permission. In another letter he tried to use my most painful experiences to his advantage; to excuse his behaviour and act as though I was simply confused. He stated ‘I want to introduce myself to you. You seem to have confused me with other figures in your life and your past. I know that you were brutally abused by a powerful, masculine figure. I have been the closest, powerful, masculine figure in your life for most of your years. I would like you to try and separate the two entities’. In the end I asked him to stop the letters/emails and only text when he wants to visit Scott.
The letters to my mum were worse. They work together so they’re having to split the business as well as the houses, etc. My mum decided that she had no option but to leave and my dad seemed eager to take over the business in her absence. However, he’s now taking over without actually letting her leave. He’s blocking everything she needs to do to leave (business valuations, etc). It’s like he’s keeping her hostage. At the same time he is telling everyone that he would do anything for her and that she won’t give him a second chance (he’s had many).
I just hope that he can find a way to accept it and let her go. Maybe in the future, when things are settled, I can start to rebuild a relationship with him but at the moment I don’t trust or respect him at all and I feel a bit ashamed to call him my father.